Saturday, February 26, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Jan. 16. 2 p.m. [Disco Fever . avi]
Found this flash file that I made long time ago. Hahaha, awesome!!!
There's gotta be more somewhere.
There's gotta be more somewhere.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Dec. 16. 12 a.m. [Origin of Guilt]
Origin of Guilt - guilt after sex, why?
God's favorite fruit must have been a peach.
it's just a fruit, for god's sake.
But it's so damn good that once you have it,
you cannot think of anything else but it.
It gave God all the mighty.
Now the snake, for the first, had a bite.
It was good, but what he could do about it was only to digest it,
rubbing his flat belly against trees and soils,
for there was none of his kind
at the garden of Eden to share this pleasure with.
The snake begged God to create more of his kind.
But God said no.
The snake grew restless day by day,
secretely eating the fruit from the tree.
One day,
he saw a strange creature
with the curves in the front and the back of its body,
which he didn't have for himself,
wandering around at the garden of Eden,
gathering berries.
The snake asked her name.
Eve was her name.
He asked her
if she could roll her body round
and wrap herself around his body.
She said she had no such ability.
The snake was in distress with such disappointment.
Then there was an echo of another voice from far away.
"Eve!.... Eve... Eve.. eve."
It wasn't God.
Then who?
"It's Adam, same kind of mine," said Eve.
On hearing this,
the snake got furious.
He despised God, for he created the second human,
but not the second one of his kind.
He wanted to take away God's strength, so he told Eve the secret,
God's favorite fruit.
Eve was so hungry that she ate five of them.
When Adam found her she was lying on her back,
her belly full of pleasure of the fruit,
her limbs spread loose on the ground,
her eyes closed,
with a wide smile on her face.
Then he saw a long slender creature slid against her skin around her thighs.
Its head a little wider than the rest of its body disappeared first behind her buttocks
and the rest of its body followed the head smoothely.
When the animal emerged between her legs from the behind,
it held its head high proudly, his neck hard like a trunk of a tree.
Adam watched Eve's body reddened and wet, offering and open.
She moaned. She gasped and cried.
It all looked strange and sounded painful as if her life were in danger.
Adam, in amazement, concerned, approached her to shake her awake.
When he got close to Eve, the snake noticed him before she and fled away.
All the sudden Eve came to and saw Adam standing beside her, hungry, weary and frowned with worries.
Eve told Adam to take the fruit that she had eaten from the tree.
Adam took seven and gobbled them down.
They were so good that he gained enormous strength from them.
He felt like he could creat something, using this overflowing energy inside of him.
He felt his head brightened, his body physical, his belly hungry for something else than food.
He wondered how it was like to take the food out of his body.
Would that be as joyous an event as taking the food in?
He focused his energy on his belly.
The food came out from his behind.
It gave him tremendous pleasure.
He now looked at Eve lying on the ground, her limbs released from their awareness.
She looked soft and weak for the first time, for she had always been strong and commanding.
Adam found it amusing and flattering. Because it made him feel superior for a change.
When he watched her reddened body slowly turning into its normal color, hard ivory, he started feeling uneasy.
He didn't want to loose this previledged feeling of a dominant being.
What is it that has to be done here?
Oh, the snake!
If I could do the same thing as the snake did,
I might be able to make Eve as soft as petals of a flower and as weak as a little bird.
Adam took a handful of his skin between his legs and pulled it out with his strength.
He shaped the skin narrow and long, polishing the surface smoothely like the one of the snake.
Then he concentrated his energy on it. It got hardened like the proud head of the snake.
He approached Eve and imitated the moves he had seen from the snake.
He made his snake disappear behind her buttocks and appear again,
feeling the passive openness of her body with it.
He was gay with great excitement.
After a while of moving back and forth, Adam got tired and hungry again.
He reached out and took some more fruits fallen on the ground from the tree,
while his snake remained in Eve's body.
This time his head was brightened than ever, his body most physical.
The sudden change of his status made him shudder in franzy.
He moved faster and faster so as to burn his energy, listening to Eve's soft cries.
He felt enchanted by her.
Maybe this is how it is like to be God.
When he dare to compose this thought, his ego reached the climax.
He felt the thick juice from the fruits burst out of the mouth of his snake.
Ecstasy!
Adam rolled off.
Satisfied, he asked Eve how she found this miraculous fruit tree.
Eve said the snake told her about it and it was God's meal.
Adam remembered that he was once told not to touch the fruit from the tree,
for sharing food was not God's thing.
God told him that he would only take ones from his tree,
and Adam and Eve could take as much as they wanted from other trees.
Adam told Eve that they weren't supposed to take the fruit, for it's only for God.
As she was hearing Adam, Eve rolled her eyes at the sky and said,
Now, why doesn't that surprise me?
Adam suggested they run away from God's anger.
Eve didn't like the idea. She wanted to talk to God about it,
for that's how she was created to handle things.
Having confrontations and talking about problems were the special gifts from God to her.
She raised her head to the sky and shouted,
God! Suppose we need to talk?
What is it that you want?
God asked Eve.
Well, well,
Eve said.
I'm afraid that we took some of your fruit. Hope you don't mind.
By the way, we found it so much better than all of our fruit combined.
Is there anything you want to say about this?
You weren't supposed to take my fruit. Didn't I tell you before?
What have you been doing since you ate them?
God asked.
Adam took his food out of his body and he got himself his own snake.
Then We fondled and cried.
Eve answered plainly.
Shame on you! Shame on you!
God damned.
At this, Adam and Eve were scared and fled.
A few hours after running away from Eden, Adam and Eve stopped to take a rest.
They realized that Eden had taken away from them.
They decided to settle down and grow food for themselves.
It took a lot of work and patience.
Adam would blame Eve for confronting God,
and Eve would talk back to Adam and it would never end.
Then Adam would fondle her to make her soft and weak.
While they were fondlind and crying, the voice of God would ring in Eve's ears.
Shame on you! Shame on you!
It made it hard for her to concentrate on her body.
When Adam finished fondling and rolled off first,
Eve was still hot and uneasy with the irregular breathing.
She watched Adam lying next to her, satisfied and relaxed unlike herself.
Then she rolled her eyes at the sky and said,
Thanks for nothing!
It was then Eve realized that she was totally screwed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is so silly, and I cannot believe how much time I spent on writing this.
God's favorite fruit must have been a peach.
it's just a fruit, for god's sake.
But it's so damn good that once you have it,
you cannot think of anything else but it.
It gave God all the mighty.
Now the snake, for the first, had a bite.
It was good, but what he could do about it was only to digest it,
rubbing his flat belly against trees and soils,
for there was none of his kind
at the garden of Eden to share this pleasure with.
The snake begged God to create more of his kind.
But God said no.
The snake grew restless day by day,
secretely eating the fruit from the tree.
One day,
he saw a strange creature
with the curves in the front and the back of its body,
which he didn't have for himself,
wandering around at the garden of Eden,
gathering berries.
The snake asked her name.
Eve was her name.
He asked her
if she could roll her body round
and wrap herself around his body.
She said she had no such ability.
The snake was in distress with such disappointment.
Then there was an echo of another voice from far away.
"Eve!.... Eve... Eve.. eve."
It wasn't God.
Then who?
"It's Adam, same kind of mine," said Eve.
On hearing this,
the snake got furious.
He despised God, for he created the second human,
but not the second one of his kind.
He wanted to take away God's strength, so he told Eve the secret,
God's favorite fruit.
Eve was so hungry that she ate five of them.
When Adam found her she was lying on her back,
her belly full of pleasure of the fruit,
her limbs spread loose on the ground,
her eyes closed,
with a wide smile on her face.
Then he saw a long slender creature slid against her skin around her thighs.
Its head a little wider than the rest of its body disappeared first behind her buttocks
and the rest of its body followed the head smoothely.
When the animal emerged between her legs from the behind,
it held its head high proudly, his neck hard like a trunk of a tree.
Adam watched Eve's body reddened and wet, offering and open.
She moaned. She gasped and cried.
It all looked strange and sounded painful as if her life were in danger.
Adam, in amazement, concerned, approached her to shake her awake.
When he got close to Eve, the snake noticed him before she and fled away.
All the sudden Eve came to and saw Adam standing beside her, hungry, weary and frowned with worries.
Eve told Adam to take the fruit that she had eaten from the tree.
Adam took seven and gobbled them down.
They were so good that he gained enormous strength from them.
He felt like he could creat something, using this overflowing energy inside of him.
He felt his head brightened, his body physical, his belly hungry for something else than food.
He wondered how it was like to take the food out of his body.
Would that be as joyous an event as taking the food in?
He focused his energy on his belly.
The food came out from his behind.
It gave him tremendous pleasure.
He now looked at Eve lying on the ground, her limbs released from their awareness.
She looked soft and weak for the first time, for she had always been strong and commanding.
Adam found it amusing and flattering. Because it made him feel superior for a change.
When he watched her reddened body slowly turning into its normal color, hard ivory, he started feeling uneasy.
He didn't want to loose this previledged feeling of a dominant being.
What is it that has to be done here?
Oh, the snake!
If I could do the same thing as the snake did,
I might be able to make Eve as soft as petals of a flower and as weak as a little bird.
Adam took a handful of his skin between his legs and pulled it out with his strength.
He shaped the skin narrow and long, polishing the surface smoothely like the one of the snake.
Then he concentrated his energy on it. It got hardened like the proud head of the snake.
He approached Eve and imitated the moves he had seen from the snake.
He made his snake disappear behind her buttocks and appear again,
feeling the passive openness of her body with it.
He was gay with great excitement.
After a while of moving back and forth, Adam got tired and hungry again.
He reached out and took some more fruits fallen on the ground from the tree,
while his snake remained in Eve's body.
This time his head was brightened than ever, his body most physical.
The sudden change of his status made him shudder in franzy.
He moved faster and faster so as to burn his energy, listening to Eve's soft cries.
He felt enchanted by her.
Maybe this is how it is like to be God.
When he dare to compose this thought, his ego reached the climax.
He felt the thick juice from the fruits burst out of the mouth of his snake.
Ecstasy!
Adam rolled off.
Satisfied, he asked Eve how she found this miraculous fruit tree.
Eve said the snake told her about it and it was God's meal.
Adam remembered that he was once told not to touch the fruit from the tree,
for sharing food was not God's thing.
God told him that he would only take ones from his tree,
and Adam and Eve could take as much as they wanted from other trees.
Adam told Eve that they weren't supposed to take the fruit, for it's only for God.
As she was hearing Adam, Eve rolled her eyes at the sky and said,
Now, why doesn't that surprise me?
Adam suggested they run away from God's anger.
Eve didn't like the idea. She wanted to talk to God about it,
for that's how she was created to handle things.
Having confrontations and talking about problems were the special gifts from God to her.
She raised her head to the sky and shouted,
God! Suppose we need to talk?
What is it that you want?
God asked Eve.
Well, well,
Eve said.
I'm afraid that we took some of your fruit. Hope you don't mind.
By the way, we found it so much better than all of our fruit combined.
Is there anything you want to say about this?
You weren't supposed to take my fruit. Didn't I tell you before?
What have you been doing since you ate them?
God asked.
Adam took his food out of his body and he got himself his own snake.
Then We fondled and cried.
Eve answered plainly.
Shame on you! Shame on you!
God damned.
At this, Adam and Eve were scared and fled.
A few hours after running away from Eden, Adam and Eve stopped to take a rest.
They realized that Eden had taken away from them.
They decided to settle down and grow food for themselves.
It took a lot of work and patience.
Adam would blame Eve for confronting God,
and Eve would talk back to Adam and it would never end.
Then Adam would fondle her to make her soft and weak.
While they were fondlind and crying, the voice of God would ring in Eve's ears.
Shame on you! Shame on you!
It made it hard for her to concentrate on her body.
When Adam finished fondling and rolled off first,
Eve was still hot and uneasy with the irregular breathing.
She watched Adam lying next to her, satisfied and relaxed unlike herself.
Then she rolled her eyes at the sky and said,
Thanks for nothing!
It was then Eve realized that she was totally screwed.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is so silly, and I cannot believe how much time I spent on writing this.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Apr. 28. 12 p.m. [ ]
[ ] - a poem about New York city
1.
I don't know what it is
Your hair hung low down to
your eyes looking straight at me and no guilt in them,
or is it me that float around shamelessly so as to call you
just another this, another that
but this
I am not sure and why, Will I
ever know.
You and I shake heads for different reasons,
for one it can't be true, the other shouldn't be at all
No start nor beginning, no story to continue or listen to
Romance stops before it starts
Good, evil, bad, nice, too nice, too good, too bad, too soon, too late, too short, too far, too much
or less of you and me, too
many smiles and poems and your voice spinning in my head make me dizzy and shy and not me
anymore of this but don't stop and keep going and go ahead though I cry and cry and cries
never stop but go on through the night
falls the dawn bringing the new day and it sends me to a different place
to suffer without you
2.
Again the city bound train carries us to our last stop it
may be when we get off we will walk, our eyes on tall out-lines
of mid-town buildings, of street signs, yellow caps, pretzel stands
and cherry blossoms blooming on the side walks illuminating
the orange brown shadows of late afternoon figures
everywhere
it is beautiful
today
Somewhere on Bleecker street between 6th and 7th avenue we slow
down to rest our eyes on each other
what we see is how we reason one another
the purpose of today and of our being here now
here together must be just
to be us for now and no more than that
I imagine taking a photo of you and me smiling, heads bound, shoulders met,
only from our chests above
the buildings with colored lights,
the green and white signs, all the cherry blossoms and tulips at the corners
of our eyes will be
there in it, too
I give you this
So some time later when we both are not in the city anymore but when
there is white and pink fragrance of spring flowers where we are
I still remember your sleepy eyes and know
they are in sleep of old memories I handed to you
And a soft voice says,
remember me
you
us in the city
3.
Out of the city I am waiting for a current, a strong and fast one
hopefully to carry a stream of misery on my face away
to slap my face until it gets shameful red so that
I finally come to as if I were as before as if I had dreamt for a long time as if
it were a story hard to believe like it were you saying 'hello' on the other side
of the line calling me to a public phone in front of Gate 1 in the central terminal at LaGuardia
when it rang, no
it rarely rang or I barely heard it ringing
and I doubted my poor ears but hurriedly picked up the receiver only to hear
the loudest emptiness in my heart
A few seconds like eternity
We are fools to believe in us getting through, aren't we, aren't
you a fool to say such a thing to another fool like you
I didn't understand what you were saying like you didn't understand your own words.
How can I and you
Impossible and sorry sorry for the sorries and for more than that that I
have to leave so sorry for the
last call
last call
flight 4555 to
nowhere
near you
I am going, am going so
this is good
bye
4.
Seven hours and thirty minutes passed and I want to rub
the red nose of our plane as we enter Gulf of Alaska
I listen to the coldest Spring concerto coming out of the ear phones
This Blues, Pacific or the Wet eyes of an Asian girl which
the bluest of them all cries into ears of one another without mercy
All the blinds on the windows are down so are those of travelers on board
My eyes open round and wide
afraid of colorless dreams overlapping my city fantasia,
the olive skin of yours
Insomnia
rains heavily down on my fingers
1.
I don't know what it is
Your hair hung low down to
your eyes looking straight at me and no guilt in them,
or is it me that float around shamelessly so as to call you
just another this, another that
but this
I am not sure and why, Will I
ever know.
You and I shake heads for different reasons,
for one it can't be true, the other shouldn't be at all
No start nor beginning, no story to continue or listen to
Romance stops before it starts
Good, evil, bad, nice, too nice, too good, too bad, too soon, too late, too short, too far, too much
or less of you and me, too
many smiles and poems and your voice spinning in my head make me dizzy and shy and not me
anymore of this but don't stop and keep going and go ahead though I cry and cry and cries
never stop but go on through the night
falls the dawn bringing the new day and it sends me to a different place
to suffer without you
2.
Again the city bound train carries us to our last stop it
may be when we get off we will walk, our eyes on tall out-lines
of mid-town buildings, of street signs, yellow caps, pretzel stands
and cherry blossoms blooming on the side walks illuminating
the orange brown shadows of late afternoon figures
everywhere
it is beautiful
today
Somewhere on Bleecker street between 6th and 7th avenue we slow down to rest our eyes on each other
what we see is how we reason one another
the purpose of today and of our being here now
here together must be just
to be us for now and no more than that
I imagine taking a photo of you and me smiling, heads bound, shoulders met,
only from our chests above
the buildings with colored lights,
the green and white signs, all the cherry blossoms and tulips at the corners
of our eyes will be
there in it, too
I give you this
So some time later when we both are not in the city anymore but when
there is white and pink fragrance of spring flowers where we are
I still remember your sleepy eyes and know
they are in sleep of old memories I handed to you
And a soft voice says,
remember me
you
us in the city
3.
Out of the city I am waiting for a current, a strong and fast one
hopefully to carry a stream of misery on my face away
to slap my face until it gets shameful red so that
I finally come to as if I were as before as if I had dreamt for a long time as if
it were a story hard to believe like it were you saying 'hello' on the other side
of the line calling me to a public phone in front of Gate 1 in the central terminal at LaGuardia
when it rang, no
it rarely rang or I barely heard it ringing
and I doubted my poor ears but hurriedly picked up the receiver only to hear
the loudest emptiness in my heart
A few seconds like eternity
We are fools to believe in us getting through, aren't we, aren't
you a fool to say such a thing to another fool like you
I didn't understand what you were saying like you didn't understand your own words.
How can I and you
Impossible and sorry sorry for the sorries and for more than that that I
have to leave so sorry for the
last call
last call
flight 4555 to
nowhere
near you
I am going, am going so
this is good
bye
4.
Seven hours and thirty minutes passed and I want to rub
the red nose of our plane as we enter Gulf of Alaska
I listen to the coldest Spring concerto coming out of the ear phones
This Blues, Pacific or the Wet eyes of an Asian girl which
the bluest of them all cries into ears of one another without mercy
All the blinds on the windows are down so are those of travelers on board
My eyes open round and wide
afraid of colorless dreams overlapping my city fantasia,
the olive skin of yours
Insomnia
rains heavily down on my fingers
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Apr. 2. 8 p.m.
2009년 4월 2일 저녁 8시 50분
Good bye, youngsters!
Good bye, Ryan. Good bye, Adam. Good bye, Cole.
Good bye, Chris. Good bye, Brian. Good bye, Blair.
Good bye, Liz. Good bye, Deborah. Good bye, Gizmo.
Good bye, harbor. Good bye, plain. Good bye, tabacco store.
Good bye, porch. Good bye, hammock. Good bye, pipes.
Good bye and good hi now.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Mar. 25. 3 a.m.
2009년 3월 25일 새벽 3시 반
I've worked on editing one of my short stories, which I started writing in Thailand. It was July then. Happy with how it ends. :) The night is swell~
I've worked on editing one of my short stories, which I started writing in Thailand. It was July then. Happy with how it ends. :) The night is swell~
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Mar. 19. 5p.m. [I Love You]
[I Love You]
I get lost
as we look humbly through the candle lit windows of each
at the bare soul of each.
Mar. 19. 4 p.m. [Boston Jesus]
2009년 3월 19일 오후 4시 30분
Yesterday on the way to my usual coffee nook, I saw a few police cars in front of Wilson Farms. I walked my way wondering.
Ahead of me was a black lady going home from work. She told me what had happened. It made my brain twitched.
[Boston Jesus]
Three people were stabbed
before the muddy eyes of the beholders.
The sun blushed
and dropped down her head
heavily over the hill.
I rode horror home.
Later the day,
the rain washed off the road.
Yesterday on the way to my usual coffee nook, I saw a few police cars in front of Wilson Farms. I walked my way wondering.
Ahead of me was a black lady going home from work. She told me what had happened. It made my brain twitched.
[Boston Jesus]
Three people were stabbed
before the muddy eyes of the beholders.
The sun blushed
and dropped down her head
heavily over the hill.
I rode horror home.
Later the day,
the rain washed off the road.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Mar. 19. 3 a.m. [Those Skinny Artist Kids]
[Those Skinny Artist Kids]
Crowded room with about twenty of twenty something.
Talented singers and drummers with hungry eyes and voices.
Truth. True that. True-some. The drums.
But damn, these are the damn dumb bums.
Free strokes, gray loves, ocean lips, skinny fingers
hit the notes right
there.
Feet everywhere
no where to on but off
above their heads there must be
a gigentic black swan dacing gracefully.
Mar. 19. 2 a.m. [기차길 옆 꽃]
2009년 3월 19일 새벽 2시 40분
[소녀]
꽃말로 소녀를 불러주세요.
소녀 꿀께로 또로록 내려와 앉아서는
망나니 두 다리 토닥투닥 두드리며
내달리는 기차의 꼬리를 멍하니 봅니다.
[소녀]
꽃말로 소녀를 불러주세요.
소녀 꿀께로 또로록 내려와 앉아서는
망나니 두 다리 토닥투닥 두드리며
내달리는 기차의 꼬리를 멍하니 봅니다.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Mar. 8. 3 am.
Mar. 02. 09.; Wrote a lot of pages of my novel.
Mar. 05. 09.; Started another short story in English. Came up with some dialogues first. Have to figure out the big picture.
Mar. 06. 09.; Went out and got drunk on a few bottles of beer. It had been a month for me since the last bar hang-out. My tolerance went down sharply.
Mostly stayed at Pink. Met some Germans and locals.
Mar. 07. 09.; Wrote another false letter to mom. I'm sick of it... sick of it... sick!
Mar. 08. 09.; Forced myself to write for two hours. Wrote 18 sentences.
Mar. 05. 09.; Started another short story in English. Came up with some dialogues first. Have to figure out the big picture.
Mar. 06. 09.; Went out and got drunk on a few bottles of beer. It had been a month for me since the last bar hang-out. My tolerance went down sharply.
Mostly stayed at Pink. Met some Germans and locals.
Mar. 07. 09.; Wrote another false letter to mom. I'm sick of it... sick of it... sick!
Mar. 08. 09.; Forced myself to write for two hours. Wrote 18 sentences.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Mar. 1. 1am.
Feb. 27. 09. ; Got an email from Kira. It's not happening.
No winner of Mega Millions among three of us.
Feb. 28. 09. ; Finished reading A Spy in the House of Love.
Thinking of going to Boston. Where did Alec go?
Mar. 01. 09. ; I am excited about spring!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Feb. 26. 2pm. [Ma...]
2009년 2월 26일 목요일 오후 1시 43분 - So tired.
............< in Korean >.............
[엄마...]
울 엄마 떠나온 지 아흔 밤
금박이 그믐달 여제 손끝에 걸려 있노라고
전화기대고 말하시는 울 엄마 목소리에
딸래미
마음 새 까만 두 창문 위로
당신 열 손톱 정성스레 색칠해 드리던 그 날
그 저녁깨
묽은 수채화되어 맹글맹글이 맺혀옵니다.
...............< in English >...............
[Ma...]
Ninety days had gone by since I had left ma,
on the phone her saying the gold old moons
still hanging on the tips of her fingers, painted
on pitch black windows to the daughter's soul
the evening I beautifully colored her ten fingernails
in washy watercolors.
Feb. 26. 5am. [Ma...] - draft
Feb. 25. 09. ; Bought seven tickets of Mega Millions for the prize of 171-million dollars. In two days I might be a millionaire.
We heard from Kira that we can join the tour if we go separately...
Feb. 26. 09. ; Found a website on which you play all kinds of games against other people on-line, and win real money.
2009년 2월 26일 목요일 새벽 5시경
I haven't heard from either my mother or father since I sent them a brutally honest letter; the letter I had composed for four days and held it for two weeks before mailing it. I wonder if it made them upset. I don't know whether no news from them is a sign of their anger and frustration or of their faith and patience.
The last letter from my father cornered me. After reading his letter, I was terrified like a queen who had an endless war declared upon her vulnerable country. The horror kept me up at night. I became restless awaring that the peace was in jeopardy once again. I had to wrestle with war scenarios. I thought of dropping a nuclear bomb. With one blow everything would be over.
I don't have balls, but the heart of a daughter.
I spoke truthfully. I felt strange to think that I would have a genuine conversation with my father through the letter. He and I had never had one before.
I was relieved and glad after I sent the letter. On the other hand, I was anxious to hear from my father. But no answer since then.
Last night I had a very upsetting dream.
I walked into a church in the middle of the service. It was the old local church to which my mother and I used to go with grand mother. I hadn't attended the service for a long time. I sat down in the back seat. I didn’t see any familiar faces. When the service was over, I was standing in the crowd. Then I saw my white-haired short grand mother approaching me. Behind her was a middle aged woman I did not know. I smiled at my grand mother as she came close to me. She passed me without recognizing me. I turned and tapped on her shoulder gently. “Grandma,” I said. She turned around and smiled brightly at me. She told me that she didn’t see me. I felt sad looking at my old grandmother being smaller than ever. She told me that my mother was there. I asked her where she was. She looked back and pointed at the middle aged woman behind her. It wasn’t my mother, but instead of saying so, I called out ‘mom’. The woman looked at me indifferently, saying nothing. Grandmother told her that it was her own daughter that she didn’t recognize. I was devastated, brokenhearted. Three of us all didn’t recognize one another.
I try to remember how my mother looks like. The mother I see is my mother ten years ago. I recall the evening that I visited her for the last time. Not her face but her slender hands that I was holding only come into my head. For an hour I painted her nails while telling her for the first time that I was leaving in a few days.
Since I left, my mother have sent me many letters. She always says that she misses me and loves me. Writing back to her, I found it so hard to say the same things to her as she put them down for me. It is not that I don’t miss or love her. I just don’t know how to love my mother with those three words. A daughter who says ‘I love you’ to her wouldn’t be her daughter. I hope she understands that it is just not spoken, but that doesn’t mean that it is not there.
...........................................................
[엄마...] -초안
마지막으로 울 엄마 보러 간 날,
새로 산 메니큐어로 열 손톱을 정성스레 칠해드렸지요.
백 날 후 울 엄마 수화기에 대고 말하셨죠.
금빛의 그믐달이 아직도 당신 손끝에 걸려 있노라고.
........................................................
[Ma...] - draft
Last I saw my ma,
I painted her ten fingernails with a newly bought nail polish.
Hundred days later my ma talked to me on the phone
the gold old moons were still hanging on the tips of her fingers.
We heard from Kira that we can join the tour if we go separately...
Feb. 26. 09. ; Found a website on which you play all kinds of games against other people on-line, and win real money.
2009년 2월 26일 목요일 새벽 5시경
I haven't heard from either my mother or father since I sent them a brutally honest letter; the letter I had composed for four days and held it for two weeks before mailing it. I wonder if it made them upset. I don't know whether no news from them is a sign of their anger and frustration or of their faith and patience.
The last letter from my father cornered me. After reading his letter, I was terrified like a queen who had an endless war declared upon her vulnerable country. The horror kept me up at night. I became restless awaring that the peace was in jeopardy once again. I had to wrestle with war scenarios. I thought of dropping a nuclear bomb. With one blow everything would be over.
I don't have balls, but the heart of a daughter.
I spoke truthfully. I felt strange to think that I would have a genuine conversation with my father through the letter. He and I had never had one before.
I was relieved and glad after I sent the letter. On the other hand, I was anxious to hear from my father. But no answer since then.
Last night I had a very upsetting dream.
I walked into a church in the middle of the service. It was the old local church to which my mother and I used to go with grand mother. I hadn't attended the service for a long time. I sat down in the back seat. I didn’t see any familiar faces. When the service was over, I was standing in the crowd. Then I saw my white-haired short grand mother approaching me. Behind her was a middle aged woman I did not know. I smiled at my grand mother as she came close to me. She passed me without recognizing me. I turned and tapped on her shoulder gently. “Grandma,” I said. She turned around and smiled brightly at me. She told me that she didn’t see me. I felt sad looking at my old grandmother being smaller than ever. She told me that my mother was there. I asked her where she was. She looked back and pointed at the middle aged woman behind her. It wasn’t my mother, but instead of saying so, I called out ‘mom’. The woman looked at me indifferently, saying nothing. Grandmother told her that it was her own daughter that she didn’t recognize. I was devastated, brokenhearted. Three of us all didn’t recognize one another.
I try to remember how my mother looks like. The mother I see is my mother ten years ago. I recall the evening that I visited her for the last time. Not her face but her slender hands that I was holding only come into my head. For an hour I painted her nails while telling her for the first time that I was leaving in a few days.
Since I left, my mother have sent me many letters. She always says that she misses me and loves me. Writing back to her, I found it so hard to say the same things to her as she put them down for me. It is not that I don’t miss or love her. I just don’t know how to love my mother with those three words. A daughter who says ‘I love you’ to her wouldn’t be her daughter. I hope she understands that it is just not spoken, but that doesn’t mean that it is not there.
...........................................................
[엄마...] -초안
마지막으로 울 엄마 보러 간 날,
새로 산 메니큐어로 열 손톱을 정성스레 칠해드렸지요.
백 날 후 울 엄마 수화기에 대고 말하셨죠.
금빛의 그믐달이 아직도 당신 손끝에 걸려 있노라고.
........................................................
[Ma...] - draft
Last I saw my ma,
I painted her ten fingernails with a newly bought nail polish.
Hundred days later my ma talked to me on the phone
the gold old moons were still hanging on the tips of her fingers.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Feb. 22. 4p.m.
It has been four days. I've been sleeping for eleven hours everyday without waking up even once during the sleep, and when I wake up, I feel like I can go right back to sleep without any problems. I've been wasting my time. No body ever talks about life and future here, and I feel like I would never get old. It's poison. This town softens me and puts me in a retrogression. Too much love is too much. Everybody takes care of me at all time. My gratitude can never be too much, yet I want myself to be edged, a little restless and tired.
When moved on to Buffalo, I didn't like the apartment. I was already spoiled. Where had India been gone from my mind? It's funny how fast I let things erase my memories of inconvenience and discomfort, how quickly I rebuild the level of my comfort zone, and how easily make myself want something better and more. I am like six year old. No value lasts in me. Nothing is appreciated as it should be. When will I see that I have more than I need, better than I deserve? When will I be happy about life?
I am in sudden distress when I think of going back; an end. I try not to think about it. All it does is ruining my peace. Am I running away from my problems? I don't know. Do I need to face them? Is that what is supposed to be done? People face their problems to achieve true happiness. Isn't the process of it too under-estimated though? What if facing the problem is not worth the happiness that follows after? What if there is only small amount of happiness after all you've been through, or no happiness at all? Don't people know that nothing is guaranteed? Why do people become obsessed with an answer? I hate the word 'answer', because it is the only right one. I also hate the word 'right', because it just doesn't sound right. It sounds aggressive and definite.
'the Red Carpet' is on tonight, and I heard the girls have excitedly talked about it.
When moved on to Buffalo, I didn't like the apartment. I was already spoiled. Where had India been gone from my mind? It's funny how fast I let things erase my memories of inconvenience and discomfort, how quickly I rebuild the level of my comfort zone, and how easily make myself want something better and more. I am like six year old. No value lasts in me. Nothing is appreciated as it should be. When will I see that I have more than I need, better than I deserve? When will I be happy about life?
I am in sudden distress when I think of going back; an end. I try not to think about it. All it does is ruining my peace. Am I running away from my problems? I don't know. Do I need to face them? Is that what is supposed to be done? People face their problems to achieve true happiness. Isn't the process of it too under-estimated though? What if facing the problem is not worth the happiness that follows after? What if there is only small amount of happiness after all you've been through, or no happiness at all? Don't people know that nothing is guaranteed? Why do people become obsessed with an answer? I hate the word 'answer', because it is the only right one. I also hate the word 'right', because it just doesn't sound right. It sounds aggressive and definite.
'the Red Carpet' is on tonight, and I heard the girls have excitedly talked about it.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Feb. 17. 10pm.
Feb. 14. 09. ; I am reading A Spy in the House of Love by Anais Nin. I struggle enjoying it. It is strange.
Feb. 15. 09. ; Applied for the nomad position for the national tour of LiNK.
Feb. 16. 09. ; I resumed my noble, which I worked on through Thailand and India.
Feb. 17. 09. ; We are hungry!
Feb. 18. 09. ; Going to Cleveland for the rest of the week with Liz and Grace.
------------------------------------------------------
On the right, it's an illustration for my short story.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Feb. 12. 10 pm.
All the schools in the city were closed because of the nasty wind.
Around ten thirty at night, I went out through the back door of the building to smoke. I thought the weather got better. It almost stopped snowing.
When I came upstairs, they were showing the footage of the plane crash on the news.
10:23 p.m., it happened.
The plane landed on a single house, totally flattened it and killed one person inside . All the people on the plane died as well.
Why in the hell did it happen in Buffalo?
Around ten thirty at night, I went out through the back door of the building to smoke. I thought the weather got better. It almost stopped snowing.
When I came upstairs, they were showing the footage of the plane crash on the news.
10:23 p.m., it happened.
The plane landed on a single house, totally flattened it and killed one person inside . All the people on the plane died as well.
Why in the hell did it happen in Buffalo?
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