Feb. 25. 09. ; Bought seven tickets of Mega Millions for the prize of 171-million dollars. In two days I might be a millionaire.
We heard from Kira that we can join the tour if we go separately...
Feb. 26. 09. ; Found a website on which you play all kinds of games against other people on-line, and win real money.
2009년 2월 26일 목요일 새벽 5시경
I haven't heard from either my mother or father since I sent them a brutally honest letter; the letter I had composed for four days and held it for two weeks before mailing it. I wonder if it made them upset. I don't know whether no news from them is a sign of their anger and frustration or of their faith and patience.
The last letter from my father cornered me. After reading his letter, I was terrified like a queen who had an endless war declared upon her vulnerable country. The horror kept me up at night. I became restless awaring that the peace was in jeopardy once again. I had to wrestle with war scenarios. I thought of dropping a nuclear bomb. With one blow everything would be over.
I don't have balls, but the heart of a daughter.
I spoke truthfully. I felt strange to think that I would have a genuine conversation with my father through the letter. He and I had never had one before.
I was relieved and glad after I sent the letter. On the other hand, I was anxious to hear from my father. But no answer since then.
Last night I had a very upsetting dream.
I walked into a church in the middle of the service. It was the old local church to which my mother and I used to go with grand mother. I hadn't attended the service for a long time. I sat down in the back seat. I didn’t see any familiar faces. When the service was over, I was standing in the crowd. Then I saw my white-haired short grand mother approaching me. Behind her was a middle aged woman I did not know. I smiled at my grand mother as she came close to me. She passed me without recognizing me. I turned and tapped on her shoulder gently. “Grandma,” I said. She turned around and smiled brightly at me. She told me that she didn’t see me. I felt sad looking at my old grandmother being smaller than ever. She told me that my mother was there. I asked her where she was. She looked back and pointed at the middle aged woman behind her. It wasn’t my mother, but instead of saying so, I called out ‘mom’. The woman looked at me indifferently, saying nothing. Grandmother told her that it was her own daughter that she didn’t recognize. I was devastated, brokenhearted. Three of us all didn’t recognize one another.
I try to remember how my mother looks like. The mother I see is my mother ten years ago. I recall the evening that I visited her for the last time. Not her face but her slender hands that I was holding only come into my head. For an hour I painted her nails while telling her for the first time that I was leaving in a few days.
Since I left, my mother have sent me many letters. She always says that she misses me and loves me. Writing back to her, I found it so hard to say the same things to her as she put them down for me. It is not that I don’t miss or love her. I just don’t know how to love my mother with those three words. A daughter who says ‘I love you’ to her wouldn’t be her daughter. I hope she understands that it is just not spoken, but that doesn’t mean that it is not there.
...........................................................
[엄마...] -초안
마지막으로 울 엄마 보러 간 날,
새로 산 메니큐어로 열 손톱을 정성스레 칠해드렸지요.
백 날 후 울 엄마 수화기에 대고 말하셨죠.
금빛의 그믐달이 아직도 당신 손끝에 걸려 있노라고.
........................................................
[Ma...] - draft
Last I saw my ma,
I painted her ten fingernails with a newly bought nail polish.
Hundred days later my ma talked to me on the phone
the gold old moons were still hanging on the tips of her fingers.
No comments:
Post a Comment