Feb. 13. 3am.

2009년 2월 13일 금요일 새벽 3시경.

I came far to grow some space from home. It has been a long time. A shield of Pacific is now there. Am I still chained?

I faced what I had to overcome on the night bus to Saigon. I tasted my timid victory that I obtained on the day I left my everything behind - country, family, friends and the past. All through the night, however, my mingled emotions and restlessness mourned. I realized my action was not the declaration of independence, but a mere tempt of get-away. Though I suffered, took so many blows, cried in fear, prayed for the exile and trained my mind strong, I had to dig an underground tunnel to the way out. I had to hide, and I didn't know why that was the only way I had.

Sometimes I wonder if I deceived them all, made them wonder what had happened, got them look back and go, 'what if I were her then?'. Then again, understanding is not what I want, but ignorance is. I want a coffin not a solution, an eraser not the sentimental letters from both sides.

The other day, I started crying in the shower. I was so ashamed. I thought of my mom. She always writes me a long letter and says I should be a better person who knows how to forgive and let the past go. She cries when she writes. I know it. I hate it.
I cried but not too long. I accidently tasted the soap water running on my face. It was really bitter.